You’ve come farther than you realize

It’s important to reflect— identify mile markers and take inventory to know where you are now, where you came from, what worked, what didn’t, what you’d like to try differently next time, what you’ve already tried and how it turned out.

This insight becomes your toolkit, a guide to help you navigate the next steps.

I find if I don’t pay attention, the things keep happening the same way over and over. The only thing that can make it different is if I break that pattern and do something differently.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Sometimes you don’t know where the change needs to be made even, so that’s why you start with reflection.

Reflection gives you a birds eye view where you can start to see patterns that you might not see by just being in the day-to-day of it.

It’s such a powerful tool. It requires you to pay attention and start being an observer of your own life. And when you do, you’d be surprised what you start to uncover. 

There’s so many amazing things that have come out of that too. Realizing how much you actually have grown, or where you are growing where you didn’t realize and are finally giving yourself credit for.

You can see your own progress and feel good that you are moving forward where maybe you were feeling you were stuck or stagnant.

It’s an incredible eye-opener across the entire spectrum.

Some things will be a joy to notice and process and others will be surprising and may well bring you to tears. But the beauty is, you have the power to do things differently.

You may not be able to change what happened, but you can change how you think about those experiences, how you’ll handle similar situations in the future and you can use your previous experience to make more educated decisions for your now. 

And that is where all the growth and your power in your own life lies. It’s in your hands. And you already have everything you need to start taking those first steps to being the director of your own life story.

Maybe what seemed like the end of the movie, is now only the beginning and you’re better, wiser now, and now the possibilities are open ended. You’ve gone down this road before, but you’re more experienced, more prepared and this time around it’ll be smoother and since time too has changed things, maybe the terrain has changed slightly and you’ll notice new things you didn’t notice before. And this experience will become something completely new. And the old will fade away in it’s severity and be replaced by the more recent and you can look back and be grateful for the first, knowing that the second is so good because of everything the first one opened your eyes to. 

It all starts with reflection.

Our power is in our choices

Every day is an opportunity at a new start, a new beginning, slowly honing it until we’re living in a way that makes us feel like our life is ours and what we want it to be.

The movie Groundhog Day takes on such a new dimension for me now. I understand that life is about iteration, about learning from the day before and making slight alterations that over time bring us to a new reality entirely.

Life can be beautiful, and so much of the level of beauty we experience lies in our hands.

It’s a tough pill to swallow in actuality. It’s much easier to say this is just how things are or this is just me and this is life, but if we’re willing to take responsibility, we realize we have a lot more say in our lives than we may have previously thought— that our direction is very much tied to the choices we make for ourselves.

We realize too, that our main power lies in the little daily choices we make, because those are what add up to create the bigger changes. And they might be slow and hard to see, but then in hindsight— that’s where you see how it all adds up.

And that is why reflection is so important. 

Reflection saved me from my victim mindset

Reflection has 100% been the key.

Reflection has enabled me to step out of the victim mentality I was living in where life happened to me and shift into taking responsibility for my life, my choices and realize life happens for me by me.

It’s me now understanding from what place choices were made, what influenced them and filtering out what was me, my conditioning, fear, insecurity and the like.

And in all these years identifying the nature of the thoughts, I’ve also been working on shifting my mindsets, perspectives and actually caring for and nurturing my own person—  my health, wellbeing, and ultimately understanding and accepting myself as I am.

I know I will always grow, but a huge part has been forgiving myself and understanding this is all part of the process.

I’m moving forward with openness and love, not only with others, but first and foremost for myself.

Getting very real and honest with myself. Going into the shadows. Embracing the light.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also the most worthwhile.

It’s 100% why I am where I am today, and where much of it was painful and uncomfortable, it’s brought more clarity and fulfillment than anything else.

The perspective I have now compared to then is night and day.

Where I used to see life as happening to me, I now can see that I have power in my life and I’m understanding how to use that power and autonomy every day.

I’m learning to take responsibility for my experience, and because I am, my life is unfolding in a way that I never could have dreamt for myself.

All that used to have such a hold on me and my happiness (or lack of) is slowly fizzling away and now I’m more present, hopeful, and energized than ever. And it’s beautiful. 

I’m here for the unfolding.

Hindsight is 20/20 in all it’s bittersweetness

I used to be very angry at hindsight— the clarity that came with that 20/20 vision is amazing— yet also very cruel that to truly understand something to it’s fullest, you had to experience it and reflect on it only later.

I’d wonder why we had to experience pain, only to realize down the line how we could have prevented ourselves that pain or done something differently to produce a more favorable result.

What I’m realizing entering on this life cycle now, is that it wasn’t actually all for not. I just wasn’t zoomed out enough to understand or see that actually it would all come to play again.

Yes, I lost the life I was living, and many of the people and circumstances are different, but in no way was it all for not. And those were the lessons I needed to learn in order to come into my fullest possible version of present self.

Now knowing this, I have no doubt that the cycles will then continue— and for the first time I welcome them. It’s an opportunity to show myself what I’m made of.

Therein lies the real test— applying everything I’ve learned up until this point to my current reality— my now. All the things I’d wished I could’ve back to do differently are now those are the very things I can do differently in my current life.

We can only ever do the best we can with what we know and that life experience helped me know so much more for now than I did then. But it’s not just the life experience that’s gotten me to this point of understanding, it’s the lessons that I’ve learned through reflection.

Reflection has 100% been the key.

I’m finding life works in cycles

The more I pay attention &
connect with my feelings,
the more I’m noticing—

‘Hey, I’ve felt this before.’

When I identify the circumstances when I last felt this way, I’m realizing so many of the feelings lately were feelings I felt from when I was 19-21 years old. Now during that time, I experienced a massive split. I was coming into my own, expressing, being myself… and then cut it short. I followed the path that others set out before me, rather than choosing the path that I was feeling innately pulled toward.

It was a time where I was majorly led more with my head and hardly in touch with my heart. I recognize the feelings I’m feeling now are the same as when I was faced with the choices and scenarios I was in then.

Where the circumstances now have changed slightly and the options for direction quite similar, the main essence is the same. And it feels almost as though— I’ve been given a second chance.

I can see how leading with my head and allowing others power over my choices turned out through my life experience since then. Now I’m pondering what if I choose myself this time?

This is what I’m setting out to explore.

That mission is my life right now—

To apply everything I’ve learned &
see how it all plays out.

I’m starting to recognize where I’d given up power and autonomy over my life. It’s been both insightful and challenging to be confronted with all the areas.

It’s interesting now to be able to see where I do have choice and imagine how things might turn out differently this time.

It’s uncomfortable to face, yet absolutely beautiful— because I never thought I’d have a second chance to do things differently. And now I see, I absolutely do.

So now the question & experiment is— What will my life look like when I choose my own wants, needs, and desires without allowing others to have more influence in my life than I myself give to me?

I’m set on exploring this new territory.

Thank the royal you for guiding me here. The time is now— seeing where the path of me leads and discovering what this new direction can bring and teach along the way.

Fill thy own cup.
Share what overflows.

with love. xoxo

Mo.6 Travel Reflection

Somehow I’m now in
South Africa in MONTH 6
of my year-long travel journey. 

I thought I’d be sharing every step along the way in real time, but every time I went to post I had a hard time figuring out how to actually share the reality of what this journey actually is.

I’ve hardly posted on social media because I knew I didn’t want to share the ‘life is great’ instagram version because honestly for as much outward beauty as there has been, it’s also been one of the most challenging experiences of my life and in ways I never expected. I did expect to be faced with cultural differences and be exposed to different ways of living, but that ended up being far easier to navigate.

The most difficult part to face was that ‘Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.’

Between living the ‘dream life’ and stripping away all the knowns, I soon realized that there isn’t a single place on earth that will fill the void that’s lived inside of me. There isn’t even a single thing that exists outside of me that can take it away. The only thing that can fill that void is, well, my relationship with me. And that, my dear friend, has been the toughest pill to swallow. 

On this journey I realized how much credit I’d given external things for the way my life was playing out and how I felt in it— whether that be location, environment, people, things. If only this then I’ll be happy, if only that then I can be the person I want to be. And after years of trial and error and adding things and stripping things away, on this trip it’s all come to be blatantly clear that my perception of my outward experience is a direct reflection of my inward experience.

What I choose to focus on, is what I will see.

That this feeling I’m searching for, cannot be found anywhere but inside of me. No place or thing or person can make me feel that lasting sense of wholeness I’ve been seeking. The place it can be found comes from deep within me.

It’s one of those things that I’ve heard over and over but doesn’t click until it clicks and when it does it’s like ohhhhhhh, that’s what that meant. I get it now.

It’s a surrender.
It’s a deep acceptance of the fact that I alone am responsible for the quality of my experience.
Only I can determine how I feel in life.
Only I can save me.
Only I can make my life everything I want it to be.
Noone is going to come in and do it for me, nobody can. It’s all up to me.
And that’s not to say the people in our lives don’t play a part, they certainly do, but they are not responsible for our happiness or sadness or sense of fulfillment or anything really, that is all on me.

And that, that is the journey of me coming back to me. 

---

Here I am. 

I’ve had to face the fact that I feel how I feel because I allow myself to.

I think what I think because of the thoughts that I allow to be entertained.

My life experience is a direct reflection of what I allow into my life, what I feel I am worthy of, what I feel I deserve, how much I value myself.

I realize that my outer world is a direct reflection of my inner world.

My state of mind, is the state of my beliefs about myself. I used others to determine my own worth and value, but really they serve as reflections of myself— a way to see all the ways I am lacking or have fallen short in my own eyes.

I realize that the love I had for myself was conditional.

That I placed my value in what I was able to achieve. And with that perspective, I would never be enough to myself, because there would always be the need for more.

When I step back and look at where my life is now compared to 2, 5, 10 years ago, past me would have been amazed at where I am now. Yet why does current me feel like I’m not enough.

These are the kinds of questions I’ve been exploring on this journey.

Looking into what it is to be human, what it is to have this life experience, what it is to love, especially ourselves.

I had no idea how little regard I had for myself.

I realized I would shift myself to accommodate those around me, even to my own detriment. That I was afraid of rocking the boat or being an inconvenience. I was afraid of taking up space. I’d dismiss my own thoughts, wants and needs for the sake of being agreeable and accepted. And since I never expressed my own needs, I’d expect people to know how to fill them and to read me the way I’d learned to read them.

I was looking for someone to look after me the way I look after them. I also realized what an impossible task that actually is. And I learned the way I care, is the way I want to be cared for.

And that the best person to give myself that care I seek is me.

Because if we really think about it, how much easier would it make things if everyone just looked after themselves, like truly took great care to nourish their own sense of wellbeing.

How would I show up for others if I were already completely taken care of in my own being. What would a world like that even look like. And it’s a world I’d actually really like to see.

Because if everyone is coming together with their glasses already full, then all that’s left is for us to enjoy each other.

It is through our pain and fears and insecurities, unresolved traumas that I feel all suffering stems from.

If we can heal those within ourselves and fill our own cups, what a world that could be. 

There’s something someone once illustrated to me and that’s the image of two glasses that are half full. If one gives to the other, then someone is always left feeling like less than when they started, and an equal exchange leaves them feeling the same. But if somehow we are able to fill our own cup from within and get it to a place where it is then overflowing, all the runoff we can share with others and never feel less than full on our own.

As long as we are overflowing, we can give without depleting ourselves we remain whole.

And that is what I am learning now to do. To fill my own cup.

It seems everyday there is a new lesson or experiment in what that looks and feels like.

It’s a lot of trial and error and the releasing of expectations.

It is everything and nothing.

It is simply the art of being.

I don’t need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love being myself.

And that feels far more tangible endeavor. 

Over the past 5 months, every experience has provided breadcrumbs and helped me put together the pieces of this puzzle, helped me solve the mystery of what this is and what it looks like.

All the pieces are starting to come together now and since they are…

I feel like now I can reflect on and share what I have come to see. 

To do this, I’ll be taking you back to the beginning of this journey. 

And for that, WE MUST GO TO PERU.

— to be continued —

Dealing with overwhelm

As I’m working on building this brand, I noticed I go from extreme excitement where ideas are flowing and the big picture continues unfolding and then the overwhelm creeps in little by little until it becomes crippling not knowing where I should even start to make all of this come to life.

I’m such a big picture, dreamer type person that when it comes down to bringing it to life, I have difficulty prioritizing what needs to be done first. And with so much to do I want to do things efficiently. I start down a path and realize how long it will take after digging into it and then question if this is the best thing to be spending my time on. It’s why after years of working, I have much in the background that never gets brought through to completion.

I’m getting this feeling of overwhelm now and I realized the way I soothe it currently is with consumption— be it food, coffee/tea, shopping, scrolling media. I know the opposite of consumption is creation. So now I’m trying to focus on how to keep my nervous system calm enough to actually push through and get something finished.

It’s ironic because the thing I’m getting finished is this post, which makes me smile a bit knowing that at least something useful will come out of all this! I got dressed and looked for a restaurant and had to question— am I even hungry, or am I just trying to soothe this anxious feeling I have inside. And I realized it’s a bit of both, but mostly the anxious bit.

What does the overwhelm feel like in my body?

• A pit in my stomach

• Fiddling legs

• Racing mind

• Mentally looking for an escape activity

• Constantly reminding myself to refocus

Ways to calm my nervous system:

Give in

Temporary fix, but then the guilt of not moving things forward brings out other negative emotions after. Not the best fix, but certainly one I’ve used and let me tell you, I already know what that side of the coin looks like so I’ll move onto a few that actually help me regain my focus and excitement.

Breathe

Taking 10 slow, focused breaths can help slow the mind down. I’m always amazed by how much this helps. There’s something about paying attention to my inhale and exhale that reminds me everything is okay. It’s like it sends a signal to my anxious body that it’s okay to be calm.

Gratitude list

Focusing on the good can help curb the anxious spiral and get back on a positive thought path. I do this by asking myself—

In what ways is this good?

• So many ideas!

• Great content to share

• Allows me to speak on what I’m passionate about

Reframe

Shifting the feeling to excitement. Scientifically, the chemical reaction for overwhelm and excitement is the same, it’s just a matter of how we decide to translate it. Athletes use this trick and can be the make or break for their game— get hyped up or psyched out. It happens to the most talented people and it’s all about building up that mental resilience.

Self-Talk

I do this by using affirmations. I typically turn to the wonderful mentors on TikTok here, so I’m sharing some of my favorite tips and reminders that help me shift the dialogue that’s happening in my brain.

There’s all the time left.

One step at a time.

I’ve got this!

In a slump? Here’s what I did to get out of mine

Last week, I hit one of my lowest lows I’ve hit in a while. It hit a few days before the full moon and lasted until about today (5-days). Related to the full moon? Quite possible, learning more about the moon cycles and their effect on us is certainly something I want to learn more about. But this one got me hard. Last month was full of me experimenting with life and lots of negative things happened that as each one came, I attempted to see the good in, but as they piled up, it became more and more difficult to keep my good spirits up about it all. Today— the skies finally began to part and I’m back on my A-game. Or getting there at least! Here’s some tactics I used as all of this was unfolding.

Asking: How is this for me?

I believe all things happen for a reason, and often times to open my attention or awareness to something. So in the instance that my brand new phone got stolen, I thought ‘Okay, how can this actually be a blessing? What is this here to show me?’ And my immediate thought was, ‘Well maybe I can actually start to use the nicer camera that I have.’ It’s a mirrorless point and shoot that I’ve had for years now, dabbled with a tad, intended to youtube with, but never fully learned to use it to it’s full potential. So many opportunities to be creative with it and the quality is actually far greater than that of the new iPhone. The iPhone had its perks when it came to accessibility and stabilization, but other than that, my camera far outperforms it especially if it’s full functionality is understood. So started taking that baby out and it’s been really cool.

Asking how this is for me, helps me feel more empowered in a situation where I might otherwise feel powerless and like a victim. The truth here is, that I have no control over how the situation went down, sure in hindsight are there things I could have done to prevent it— probably, but it happened how it happened and the only thing I can control is how I respond to it and move forward. Moping isn’t going to bring my phone back, so I decided to see what good there is to come from this. And that helped me actually shift focus to some of the goals I’d had. Learn to use my camera, edit the videos I’d filmed, share some content. So here we are!

Listen to instrumental music

I say instrumental here because I realized music with lyrics can be hyper charged with emotion. Sometimes it’s been good for me to recognize my emotions through music, but to get myself out of a slump, listening to music that reflects my current state actually makes me spiral more. When It’s instrumental, I find my mind can be void of thought much easier. I’ve also found that thought is often what provokes the downward spiral even further. The absence of thought helps me reach a point of neutrality. A few of my favorites on Spotify are ‘Deep Sleep’ and ‘Focus Flow.’ Once I’m at a more positive state, I can shift to something with more positive messaging, but still instrumental is my choice for many reasons.

Notice the beauty around & seek nature

The logical side of me realizes I’m traveling, there are volcanoes around me for goodness sake, why am I so sad. So I was walking through the streets and the path converged into this square with trees and fountains and kids running around playing and I looked up at the purple blooms on one of the trees and was like dang that’s beautiful. And started taking in the sights and sounds that were right in front of me and it was as if in an instant I started feeling lighter. It’s interesting here to note that walking in a maze of buildings, even though there is beauty off in the distance and even though the buildings are beautiful, keeps my brain in a locked in mode. It was when I was up close and personal with nature that the feelings started to dissipate. So I’ve made a point everyday since to go to a place with trees, and just sit with the stillness, notice the natural beauty, breathe it in, be with it. That has made such a difference.

Take time to rest

For the first time in my life, I think I’m realizing what it is to rest. Usually I take my laptop with me or a journal or something to keep me occupied, but this time I just took myself on a walk, I took myself to the park, I read a book because I wanted to, I sat in a cafe and fed myself nice food. And I took a nap. Yes, a nap. And that for me is unheard of. But it was exactly what I needed. After a day of super long napping and another day of a shorter nap along with other practices mentioned above, I woke up just happier. So rest is good, especially when your a productive-a-holic.

Take yourself out and let your inner child play

This is a fun one, and one I’ll likely take into my everyday life. But legit, I just went wherever my curiosity took me, wandering the streets. I even skipped down the middle of the cobblestone road and smiled and said ‘Hola’ to everyone I passed by just as kids do and you know what— people smiled and said ‘Hola’ back and that made me actually smile. Being a kid is so fun.

—

So yeah, those are the things that helped me this round. There’s definitely more mindset wise that clicked and shifted, but these are the actionable that definitely helped me shift to a more positive state. I’m adding these to my toolkit and plan to add them to daily life too as a sort of ‘preventative medicine’ of sorts. Looking forward to seeing where this new positive streak will take me! Hope you can find something useful in this for yourself too!

Love ya! Stay true & be you!

Recurring cycles are lessons we have yet to learn

I’ve been traveling the world for almost 3-months now. Last week, I hit one of my cycles of feeling sad, down and empty. You’d think traveling would make me the happiest person in the world, but the reality is—

Wherever you go, you take yourself with you

This sentiment has never rung more true. I’ve felt it a bit each time I’ve arrived in a new country, it lasts about 3-days, each time my hope being ‘This will be the place that makes me feel whole again.’ And when it doesn’t I hit a momentary sadness and thoughts of..

‘Will I ever find what will fulfill me?’

Well this happened again, and with a vengeance after my month in Colombia. It was there that I started to open my heart romantically again and to be blunt, it got a bit crushed. It was one event after another, but on reflection, I realized that I’ve been looking for places, people and experiences to fill this void, and the reality is— the only person who can fill this void is… me.

Yupppp, that’s what I learned in this one—

Wholeness doesn’t come from outside of me, it comes from within me

Whoa. Hold the phone. Gosh could you have hit me over the head with this one any harder— yes, yes you could, and quite frankly I’m glad I realized it now before it got the chance to really make sure I learned the lesson. But now is the time for me to learn it. I set off on this journey knowing it was for personal growth, dedicating myself to myself and self-discovery as I am traveling through the world, and I got off track.

All the events that happened just helped me get back to myself

So I thank them. Doesn’t mean they weren’t hard to go through, but they were there to show me something. And now I see, boy do I see!

So this cycle was to say, what would happen if you gave yourself the same thought, care and energy that you’re so willing to give others. Go on, give it a try. Through allowing others into my life, it allowed me to see what I ‘needed’ from them that was making me feel more whole.

It opened my eyes to all the areas I can show up for myself more

It helped me see where my inner self is seeking more love. And that’s all up to me to provide it.

I strongly believe that if we can come together with another human as our best selves, we can make 1+1=3! It can be that magical. But it can only be that magical if both come in as their whole selves. And I most certainly was coming in feeling less than whole. This is what needs to be addressed.

This is where my focus should flow

How can I make myself feel whole, so I can be met with someone else who also feels full. Because the alternative isn’t pretty. And I know because I’ve already experienced that bit, a few times. If I come in less than, I’m seeking someone who is more than to give up some of themselves for me. And if they’re coming in less than, they’re looking for me to give up some of me for them. And that’s never good for anyone. But if we both come in completely full, our cups just overflow with goodness when we combine them and no one ever has to give any of themselves away.

That’s what I want.

So now,

I live to make myself whole— to fill my own voids

And that is where the work, but also immense joy comes in.

The first step, is in awareness—

And identifying what those voids even are.

Oye— here we go!