Recurring cycles are lessons we have yet to learn

I’ve been traveling the world for almost 3-months now. Last week, I hit one of my cycles of feeling sad, down and empty. You’d think traveling would make me the happiest person in the world, but the reality is—

Wherever you go, you take yourself with you

This sentiment has never rung more true. I’ve felt it a bit each time I’ve arrived in a new country, it lasts about 3-days, each time my hope being ‘This will be the place that makes me feel whole again.’ And when it doesn’t I hit a momentary sadness and thoughts of..

‘Will I ever find what will fulfill me?’

Well this happened again, and with a vengeance after my month in Colombia. It was there that I started to open my heart romantically again and to be blunt, it got a bit crushed. It was one event after another, but on reflection, I realized that I’ve been looking for places, people and experiences to fill this void, and the reality is— the only person who can fill this void is… me.

Yupppp, that’s what I learned in this one—

Wholeness doesn’t come from outside of me, it comes from within me

Whoa. Hold the phone. Gosh could you have hit me over the head with this one any harder— yes, yes you could, and quite frankly I’m glad I realized it now before it got the chance to really make sure I learned the lesson. But now is the time for me to learn it. I set off on this journey knowing it was for personal growth, dedicating myself to myself and self-discovery as I am traveling through the world, and I got off track.

All the events that happened just helped me get back to myself

So I thank them. Doesn’t mean they weren’t hard to go through, but they were there to show me something. And now I see, boy do I see!

So this cycle was to say, what would happen if you gave yourself the same thought, care and energy that you’re so willing to give others. Go on, give it a try. Through allowing others into my life, it allowed me to see what I ‘needed’ from them that was making me feel more whole.

It opened my eyes to all the areas I can show up for myself more

It helped me see where my inner self is seeking more love. And that’s all up to me to provide it.

I strongly believe that if we can come together with another human as our best selves, we can make 1+1=3! It can be that magical. But it can only be that magical if both come in as their whole selves. And I most certainly was coming in feeling less than whole. This is what needs to be addressed.

This is where my focus should flow

How can I make myself feel whole, so I can be met with someone else who also feels full. Because the alternative isn’t pretty. And I know because I’ve already experienced that bit, a few times. If I come in less than, I’m seeking someone who is more than to give up some of themselves for me. And if they’re coming in less than, they’re looking for me to give up some of me for them. And that’s never good for anyone. But if we both come in completely full, our cups just overflow with goodness when we combine them and no one ever has to give any of themselves away.

That’s what I want.

So now,

I live to make myself whole— to fill my own voids

And that is where the work, but also immense joy comes in.

The first step, is in awareness—

And identifying what those voids even are.

Oye— here we go!