Mo.6 Travel Reflection

Somehow I’m now in
South Africa in MONTH 6
of my year-long travel journey. 

I thought I’d be sharing every step along the way in real time, but every time I went to post I had a hard time figuring out how to actually share the reality of what this journey actually is.

I’ve hardly posted on social media because I knew I didn’t want to share the ‘life is great’ instagram version because honestly for as much outward beauty as there has been, it’s also been one of the most challenging experiences of my life and in ways I never expected. I did expect to be faced with cultural differences and be exposed to different ways of living, but that ended up being far easier to navigate.

The most difficult part to face was that ‘Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.’

Between living the ‘dream life’ and stripping away all the knowns, I soon realized that there isn’t a single place on earth that will fill the void that’s lived inside of me. There isn’t even a single thing that exists outside of me that can take it away. The only thing that can fill that void is, well, my relationship with me. And that, my dear friend, has been the toughest pill to swallow. 

On this journey I realized how much credit I’d given external things for the way my life was playing out and how I felt in it— whether that be location, environment, people, things. If only this then I’ll be happy, if only that then I can be the person I want to be. And after years of trial and error and adding things and stripping things away, on this trip it’s all come to be blatantly clear that my perception of my outward experience is a direct reflection of my inward experience.

What I choose to focus on, is what I will see.

That this feeling I’m searching for, cannot be found anywhere but inside of me. No place or thing or person can make me feel that lasting sense of wholeness I’ve been seeking. The place it can be found comes from deep within me.

It’s one of those things that I’ve heard over and over but doesn’t click until it clicks and when it does it’s like ohhhhhhh, that’s what that meant. I get it now.

It’s a surrender.
It’s a deep acceptance of the fact that I alone am responsible for the quality of my experience.
Only I can determine how I feel in life.
Only I can save me.
Only I can make my life everything I want it to be.
Noone is going to come in and do it for me, nobody can. It’s all up to me.
And that’s not to say the people in our lives don’t play a part, they certainly do, but they are not responsible for our happiness or sadness or sense of fulfillment or anything really, that is all on me.

And that, that is the journey of me coming back to me. 

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Here I am. 

I’ve had to face the fact that I feel how I feel because I allow myself to.

I think what I think because of the thoughts that I allow to be entertained.

My life experience is a direct reflection of what I allow into my life, what I feel I am worthy of, what I feel I deserve, how much I value myself.

I realize that my outer world is a direct reflection of my inner world.

My state of mind, is the state of my beliefs about myself. I used others to determine my own worth and value, but really they serve as reflections of myself— a way to see all the ways I am lacking or have fallen short in my own eyes.

I realize that the love I had for myself was conditional.

That I placed my value in what I was able to achieve. And with that perspective, I would never be enough to myself, because there would always be the need for more.

When I step back and look at where my life is now compared to 2, 5, 10 years ago, past me would have been amazed at where I am now. Yet why does current me feel like I’m not enough.

These are the kinds of questions I’ve been exploring on this journey.

Looking into what it is to be human, what it is to have this life experience, what it is to love, especially ourselves.

I had no idea how little regard I had for myself.

I realized I would shift myself to accommodate those around me, even to my own detriment. That I was afraid of rocking the boat or being an inconvenience. I was afraid of taking up space. I’d dismiss my own thoughts, wants and needs for the sake of being agreeable and accepted. And since I never expressed my own needs, I’d expect people to know how to fill them and to read me the way I’d learned to read them.

I was looking for someone to look after me the way I look after them. I also realized what an impossible task that actually is. And I learned the way I care, is the way I want to be cared for.

And that the best person to give myself that care I seek is me.

Because if we really think about it, how much easier would it make things if everyone just looked after themselves, like truly took great care to nourish their own sense of wellbeing.

How would I show up for others if I were already completely taken care of in my own being. What would a world like that even look like. And it’s a world I’d actually really like to see.

Because if everyone is coming together with their glasses already full, then all that’s left is for us to enjoy each other.

It is through our pain and fears and insecurities, unresolved traumas that I feel all suffering stems from.

If we can heal those within ourselves and fill our own cups, what a world that could be. 

There’s something someone once illustrated to me and that’s the image of two glasses that are half full. If one gives to the other, then someone is always left feeling like less than when they started, and an equal exchange leaves them feeling the same. But if somehow we are able to fill our own cup from within and get it to a place where it is then overflowing, all the runoff we can share with others and never feel less than full on our own.

As long as we are overflowing, we can give without depleting ourselves we remain whole.

And that is what I am learning now to do. To fill my own cup.

It seems everyday there is a new lesson or experiment in what that looks and feels like.

It’s a lot of trial and error and the releasing of expectations.

It is everything and nothing.

It is simply the art of being.

I don’t need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love being myself.

And that feels far more tangible endeavor. 

Over the past 5 months, every experience has provided breadcrumbs and helped me put together the pieces of this puzzle, helped me solve the mystery of what this is and what it looks like.

All the pieces are starting to come together now and since they are…

I feel like now I can reflect on and share what I have come to see. 

To do this, I’ll be taking you back to the beginning of this journey. 

And for that, WE MUST GO TO PERU.

— to be continued —